Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike up a conversation
The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, 'So why are you here?'
The brown Lab replies, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'
The black Lab says , 'So what is the vet going to do?'
'Gonna cut my nuts off,' comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.'
The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, Why are you here?'
The yellow Lab says , 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the
hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch.'
'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquires .
'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab says.
The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, 'Why are you here?'
'I'm a humper,' the black Lab says .. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just
couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away'
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and say , 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'
The black Lab says ....'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Tiger Woods Holiday Poem
Tiger Woods Holiday Poem
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods he came flying, chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Because a bimbo’s phone number she found on his Blackberry.
He’d been cheating on poor little Elin,
And as each day went by another whore came out squealing.
He’d been on Holly, on Jaimee, on Rachel, on Cori,
On Joselyn and Kalika, TMZ had the story.
From the top of the world to above the fold,
Tiger’s ever more sorted tale, it was told.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
And when he wasn't hosing them, he sent them hot texts.
He crashed his Caddy, but didn't call OnStar,
Yet he played “spank me daddy” with a swanky old porn star.
He’s been naughty, so with Santa he hasn't a chance,
Except the big lump of coal that matches the lump in his pants.
But despite all his crying and begging and pleading,
Tiger’s wife went right out, bought a new home in Sweden ..
And I heard her exclaim as she packed up the Escalade,
If you're going to get laid, then I’m going to get paid.
Now she’s not pouting, in fact she’s of good cheer,
Because her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods he came flying, chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Because a bimbo’s phone number she found on his Blackberry.
He’d been cheating on poor little Elin,
And as each day went by another whore came out squealing.
He’d been on Holly, on Jaimee, on Rachel, on Cori,
On Joselyn and Kalika, TMZ had the story.
From the top of the world to above the fold,
Tiger’s ever more sorted tale, it was told.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
And when he wasn't hosing them, he sent them hot texts.
He crashed his Caddy, but didn't call OnStar,
Yet he played “spank me daddy” with a swanky old porn star.
He’s been naughty, so with Santa he hasn't a chance,
Except the big lump of coal that matches the lump in his pants.
But despite all his crying and begging and pleading,
Tiger’s wife went right out, bought a new home in Sweden ..
And I heard her exclaim as she packed up the Escalade,
If you're going to get laid, then I’m going to get paid.
Now she’s not pouting, in fact she’s of good cheer,
Because her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi
The Pope The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage infront of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Why Did Jesus Fold the Napkin?
Why Did Jesus Fold the Napkin?
This is one I can honestly say I have never seen circulating in the e-mails so; I'll start it, if it touches you and you want to forward it.
Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection? I never noticed this....
The Gospel of John (20:7) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes.
The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed at the head of that stony coffin.
Early Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance.
She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved. She said, 'They have taken the Lord's body out of the tomb, and I don't know where they have put him!'
Peter and the other disciple ran to the tomb to see. The other disciple out ran Peter and got there first. He stopped and looked in and saw the linen cloth lying there, but he didn't go in.
Then Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had covered Jesus' head was folded up and lying to the side.
Was that important? Absolutely!
Is it really significant? Yes!
In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day.
The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every
Jewish boy knew this tradition.
When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it.
The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished..
Now if the master were done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up that napkin and toss it onto the table.
The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, "I'm finished.."
But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because..........
The folded napkin meant,
"I'm coming back!"
This is one I can honestly say I have never seen circulating in the e-mails so; I'll start it, if it touches you and you want to forward it.
Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection? I never noticed this....
The Gospel of John (20:7) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes.
The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed at the head of that stony coffin.
Early Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance.
She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved. She said, 'They have taken the Lord's body out of the tomb, and I don't know where they have put him!'
Peter and the other disciple ran to the tomb to see. The other disciple out ran Peter and got there first. He stopped and looked in and saw the linen cloth lying there, but he didn't go in.
Then Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had covered Jesus' head was folded up and lying to the side.
Was that important? Absolutely!
Is it really significant? Yes!
In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day.
The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every
Jewish boy knew this tradition.
When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it.
The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished..
Now if the master were done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up that napkin and toss it onto the table.
The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, "I'm finished.."
But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because..........
The folded napkin meant,
"I'm coming back!"
Monday, December 7, 2009
Hey Liberals - try to understand this...
Hey Liberals - try to understand this... Dopehagen's Global Warming Conference has 140 private jets and 2000 limos being used.... Don't ya love the way they practice what they preach??? You dopes...
Saturday, December 5, 2009
O
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other." "This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago ." "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"
The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other." "This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago ." "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"
The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
America – Do you KNOW see why Democrats are wrong for America?
America – Do you KNOW see why Democrats are wrong for America?
Our President, Barack Hussein Oblahblahblah is playing politics with American lives. When President George Bush was the Commander in Chief you KNEW he was protecting America and did not care what people thought, he was going to win this war for America.
Oblahblahblah is sending some troops, not all the general asked for, because Oblahblahblah is trying to satisfy kooky Liberals and clear thinking Americans at the same time.
He sets a pull out date in the same paragraph he discusses sending more troops! Bet that made the soldiers feel real comfortable. So the mission is now NOT TO WIN the war, but Odufus’s mission is now to get them home before the next election. Have you ever heard the Clown President discuss VICTORY???
Politics…
You elected a Clown for President expect him to do Clown Things…
He is destroying our economy, ruining our industries, about to tax the American People to Death, and all the time pull his muscles patting himself on the back…While he tours the World, promotes the hoax of Global Warming, and apologizes to the World for America being such an evil country.
He bows to foreign leaders and makes this ONCE great Nation look like the laughing stock of the world.
In the meantime, Iran is about to get nuclear weapons, we are disarming Europe and Al-Qaida is laughing at us for being so weak…
Democrat Leaders are always weak, both mentally and in protecting our Nation. What did you expect??? A liberal is a liberal….
Thank God the elections of 2010 are just months away and already Democrats are announcing the fact they will not seek re-election. Funny, the Tea Parties told them the same thing…
Our President, Barack Hussein Oblahblahblah is playing politics with American lives. When President George Bush was the Commander in Chief you KNEW he was protecting America and did not care what people thought, he was going to win this war for America.
Oblahblahblah is sending some troops, not all the general asked for, because Oblahblahblah is trying to satisfy kooky Liberals and clear thinking Americans at the same time.
He sets a pull out date in the same paragraph he discusses sending more troops! Bet that made the soldiers feel real comfortable. So the mission is now NOT TO WIN the war, but Odufus’s mission is now to get them home before the next election. Have you ever heard the Clown President discuss VICTORY???
Politics…
You elected a Clown for President expect him to do Clown Things…
He is destroying our economy, ruining our industries, about to tax the American People to Death, and all the time pull his muscles patting himself on the back…While he tours the World, promotes the hoax of Global Warming, and apologizes to the World for America being such an evil country.
He bows to foreign leaders and makes this ONCE great Nation look like the laughing stock of the world.
In the meantime, Iran is about to get nuclear weapons, we are disarming Europe and Al-Qaida is laughing at us for being so weak…
Democrat Leaders are always weak, both mentally and in protecting our Nation. What did you expect??? A liberal is a liberal….
Thank God the elections of 2010 are just months away and already Democrats are announcing the fact they will not seek re-election. Funny, the Tea Parties told them the same thing…
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